Am i hearing the government right?

Government: We know that technically you didn't elect us, and that also, because we're a coalition government, we're not accountable to any particular manifesto (well, haha, we're not accountable to those PR goose-steps at the best of times). The thing is though, we're faced with this massive deficit in the budget so we're going to roll up our sleeves and be bold enough to make some potentially unpopular decisions to sort it all out. You need strong, forthright, committed leadership, and that's us.

Let's forget about the tuition fees fiasco for now. And let's look past the National Forests debacle too (we were only joking about that anyway. Haha). The real point is this - we're in a right state, and even though we bailed out the banks, whose speculation set us on this path and who are now recording profit again, we're not going to look for money from them. It's not a debt they owe, and nor do they have any moral responsibility whatsoever to bail the state out. No, they are solely a money-making enterprise so it's good to see them doing just that. If anything, it's morally wrong of us to expect from them anything other than concern for themselves. Goooooo, the banks!! In all honesty, that's just an aside too.

This is what really matters. We're in this mess, and we're in alone, so what we need to do is cut as much as possible as soon as possible, regardless of the seeming importance of the things we cut. Numbers matching up is what matters, people don't. We've developed an easy 8 step plan to fix this stuff. This plan has been devised by special government monkeys (with assistance from the special government ninjas' department) who've been working in the secret lab under the houses of Parliament round the clock on it.

• 1. The special government monkeys have decided the best thing is to cut public services (proper people should be able to privately afford the cut services anyway, so that's no biggie). This will save the government money, so it's good.

• B. Most of the people who lose their jobs will probably be over 50 or part time, or both, so that doesn't really count. (The special magic Part 2. of this part of the plan involves ignoring that people are now supposed to work until they're 70, and that instead they'll most likely have to survive with no income whatsoever for up to 20 years). This will save the government money, so it's good.

• D. We'll cut loads of benefits - all of them hopefully. This will help stop the jobless wasting their time at the jobcentre and actually force them to find work. People should get to work shouldn't they. This will also save the government a lot of money, so it's good.

• VI. Of course, the ex-full-timers who rely on their wages for things like living, and who are now work-liberated, can boost the economy in all their new leisure time by A) not claiming benefits that no longer exist B) volunteering and C) shopping and sight seeing. This will stimulate the economy, so it's good. And it's nice to volunteer isn't it; give a bit back.

• 8. All those people who used to have jobs can also choose to start their own businesses from nothing, with nothing, and with zero support (support would cost the government money, that's bad, but choosing stuff is good). Failing that they can work in the private sector which will be booming because of the clever 12th point of the plan (as listed above).

This 8 step plan is therefore a good plan that will get everything back in order. Yes it will be difficult for a short while, but it will only be difficult for small groups like the poor, the old, maybe women, and maybe those communities who were just beginning to get themselves together following the closing of the mines all those years ago, but they're a resourceful bunch. Still here telling the whiney little tale after all, aren't they. These are the people who are not only in the best position for us to take money from, but they also probably owe the most. Somehow. Well done monkeys!

The British public: IN WHAT WAY DOES THIS LEAD TO RECOVERY? YOU'RE LEADING US DOWN A BLIND ALLEY! IS IT YOUR STUPIDITY OR THE DESTRUCTION THAT'S WILLFUL?

Andy Amoss: I'm no economist, and i'm even less an economic historian but i find THIS very compelling, very important and a little bit frightening. Please give it a look.

 - And two bonus videos, one serious, one funny (albeit darkly):