Rotten smelling things, or the truth and other fictions .2

I am, it may have caught your attention, a MASSIVE football fan. One of my very favourite things in all the world is playing football. I played last night and took a nasty stud to the ankle. Nursing it today and feeling it ache, is a pleasure - such is the twisted extent of my love of the game. I adore Tottenham Hotspur, they're such an incredible club to follow; so regularly being close to success, and so often cocking it up provides the fullest experiences imaginable for a football fan. We regularly get both ends of the drama. At the moment we're riding particularly high, which just means trying to enjoy it while waiting for the crash. What a rush! Internationally, i follow England. I make a point of always following England, catching all the friendlies and all the qualifiers, not just riding the wave that comes around every two years (if we're lucky). Suffice to say, the idea of England hosting the FIFA World Cup(tm) 2018 would, to me, be amazing! The greatest footballing nations in the world competing for the game's greatest prize, on these shores, would be a dream. I don't need to mention that the last time it was here we won it, but i will.

Watching last night's Panorama programme, however, saw me agree with, ahem, David Mellor. This is more surprising to me than it is to you, i can assure you. Not only is he a peculiar looking Conservative Party member who is partial to extra-marital ventures, particularly ones involving toes, but he's a Chelski fan too.

Anyway, his point was that as the inventors of the beautiful game we should press FIFA hard to clear up corruption in its ranks, rather than bow and scrape to them for the right to host their competition.

You see, the programme asked questions about money which appears to show FIFA executive committee members having taken bribes from its marketing company in exchange for votes which would secure lucrative World Cup contracts with sponsors. Not only this, but it showed how nations bidding to host the event subject themselves to every desire FIFA has. In some cases new laws must be passed to allow The World Cup to go ahead in the manner to which FIFA is accustomed. This, according to representatives of the Dutch bid, includes the suspension of workers rights and 'protection' for sponsors - inclusive of complete tax breaks on their behalf. These sponsors aren't minnows by the way, these sponsors are companies like Coca-Cola, Mars and McDonald's (i wonder if Panorama should do a show investigating just what any of these companies think their products have to do with the world of professional sports).

When challenged about this the former sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe MP, said it was reasonable "because the benefits of hosting the World Cup outweigh the disbenefits". Clearly 'The George W. Bush School For Elocution' is finally off the ground, and Mr. Sutcliffe is just one example of the many people whose use of language has been disunconfused.

So what of FIFA? Surely the responsible thing to do is face up to charges and clear out corruption rather than do nothing but look offended. That wreaks of a body who knows it's dirty to the core. To not even be able to make a pretence of interest in routing out corruption, in favour of insisting - despite the evidence - on innocence, is a mark of deep guilt. It reminds me of a bunch of young people who've been seen doing things wrong who, when challenged, insist "I never!".
- But there, see? Look, that's you on the video tape.
- But i never!
- But, that's you, we're both watching you do it right now.
- But i never!
All that's left is the protestation of innocence.

And what of our bid? Well, now, despicably, two days from the FIFA vote which will decide who hosts the World Cup in 2018, Cameron, Beckham, and others responsible for landing the bid are busy schmoozing with FIFA and condemning the BBC for running the programme for fear it will have damaged England's chances. I'm with Mellor(!?), let's please not worship FIFA so they might in turn grace us a with a dirty (yet massively profitable) rag of a competition. I for one don't want it. Can't we rather impress on them a refusal to acknowledge their power until they restore fairness and integrity to the game we love?

Oh, and FIFA, sort out goal-line technology! I'd love to know where the money that's blocking that one is coming form.

How was Haiti?

"Er. Um... well, er. What do you mean?"

If you've been on the receiving end of this response to the question, or one similar, i can only apologise. I have found myself very stuttery and ill-equipped in the face of such interrogation. Indeed the reason for what is now nearly a two month delay in posting anything about it is that i've had (and continue to have) no idea how to construct a post that does it justice.

I've developed a number of ways of responding to people who've wanted to know about the trip based on how much time we have, how much they seem to actually care, and the nature of my relationship with them. You see, i was there for nearly four full weeks from early July to early August, and i can recall reasonably clearly most waking moments - except my more fevered waking moments. Stuff doesn't just pass you by in Haiti; it didn't become a blur of normality - for a 'blanc' like me life in Haiti is in too stark a contrast to 'normal' for it not to make an impact every waking moment. Nothing can be taken for granted, not even poo. (I had diarrhea for a fortnight - a new personal best. I spent a reasonable amount of time counting toilet paper sheets and fantasising about firm poo. I spent nearly 31 years without unpleasantries simultaneously spilling out of both ends, in Haiti i could only manage 5 days. It's a tough country).

I'm no better able to tell the story here than i can if you speak to me, when i think of Haiti my head swirls. Mostly with good things. Here are some recollections and reflections i'll pluck for you though:

The trip took in New York City, Port-au-Prince, and part of the North of the country around Port-du-Paix. These are 3 distinct places which, when held together in one's mind, show how small our world indeed is, as well as how great a disparity is contained within. NYC is one of the world's most powerful cities; when disaster strikes it fractures time. We now live in a 'Post 9-11 world', and we have very good ideas about all that that means. When disaster strikes Port-au-Prince, capital city of a country already on its knees, the fractured land can do little to rally its near impotent infrastructure. The North of the country is also a disaster zone, only, so silent and slow-burn was the tragedy that there doesn't seem to be a particular moment where it struck. And with that comes even less ability to grab itself by the lapels - let alone the rest of the world.

Over the mountain are more mountains - Haitian proverb. This refers to what Creole speakers call "Pwoblem". You might deal with one problem, but all we have is a huge collection of others. Haiti is an incredibly mountainous country, everywhere is uphill and you never feel like you're on top. It seems like that leads to a 'Well, that's my lot' mentality in the people who live there. This can be terribly disheartening and debilitating, but on the other hand it makes way for such beauty. On the sand-striped, filth and debris-laden beaches the very poorest children run, sing, skip, play and chase with exactly the same kind of abandon as any other children. The satisfaction with having work or with a completed a project is huge, as is the appreciation for the simplest things. The hospitality and reliance on community is humbling, so too the resilience of spirit and lack of expectations of 'what one deserves'.

This is a shot of what is now one of my favourite places in the world: an out-of-nowhere football pitch at the top of a mountain



Here is the majesty of the land, the joy and improvisation of the people, and the wonder of football.

I miss my friends in Haiti, but i can at least follow the work of 'Maison Despoir' (House of Hope), a Christian orphanage community who raise children without parents, or children whose parents can no longer afford them, or children whose parents are no longer interested in keeping or supporting them, on the House of Hope blog. You may be interested in doing so too, and i might well be back with more on this soon, since there's so much to say about how the Haiti trip was.

England's lament.

Advisory: Explicit Content.

It's World Cup time so the world and her partner is trying to cash-in by attempting to write the next 'Football's coming home'. Sadly, so are Baddiel, Skinner and The Lightening seeds - literally the next 'football's coming home'. Their effort is an ever-so-slightly tweaked version of the song they've re-released every tournament since 1996. So no doubt everyone else's efforts to top the charts and get the terraces chanting their tune will be in vain.

Out of this milieu of 'musical'-England-supporting-football-based-desperation rises one song. It won't be a hit, no-one will sing it and i can't even find it anywhere to buy. In fact i'm not even really sure who's done it or what it's called.That in itself is refreshing enough, no self-publicity, just a song.

What i really like about it is the way it contains bits of everything associated with English football fans. There is a strong sense of wit and self-deprecation, combined with hope and passion. But there is also thuggery and xenophobia / racism - which i'm not entirely sure is celebrated or lampooned. I think the video slightly errs towards celebrating it, but the song on its own is self-aware and ironic.

What underpins all this though, and gives the song its worth, is a surprising sense of lament that comes from the guitar, and the sense of almost mourning found in usually aggressive and upbeat chants. Yes, it probably is about lamenting England's footballing performances; the way we always have to hark back to '66; the way we always seem to be undone by injury or petulance on the part of key players; the way we already know we'll go out because we can't score penalties. But i also read it as lament for the things already referred to here; the thuggery, the racism, the violence, the excesses. Or maybe i just desperately hope that that's what's going on. Either way, i find myself strangely moved by it.

Health warning: Language is strong, the chorus revolves around the 'Let's go something mental' chant.

A Mars a day helps your pride go away

Mars and John Barnes (via New Order) collaborate on the all-time greatest exercise in exchanging shame for cash.

In support of Tottenham Hotspur

Being a Spurs fan is no mean feat. It can be torturous at times. We've played around in the realms of mediocrity for way too long and it's been a very frustrating place to be. We've won big games but then underperformed against teams we really should have beaten - and i'm not just talking about this season, i'm talking about for almost as long as i can remember. This has been the Tottenham way; the way of mediocrity, inconsistency and frustration - never quite being able to finish things off.

We have lived and supported in the shadow of a legendary Spurs team who were the first among our contemporaries to achieve great, great things, but this has only served to highlight how long ago the early sixties were. Since then we've had to be satisfied with a domestic cup every 10 years. And in recent times we've had to be satisfied with the league cup every 10 years. There have certainly been some fantastic results along the way and some great highs - lets mention beating Ars**al 5-1 as an example - but these have been exceptions rather then the rule.

What i saw happen last night, off the back of this whole season, was the greatest Spurs achievement of a generation. Not only did we finally prove we do have what it takes to 'cross the line', we crossed said line right into the most celebrated club competition in the world, and the foundation such a thing gives us to build on far outweighs any FA cup victory. This is about the whole of our club's development.

For all the pain, the disappointment, the sheer 'mid-tableness' of it all, it has been worth it for the way i feel right now, and for the opportunity that lies ahead of us.

Yes, there's still the 1st qualifying round of the Champion's League to get through, and let's not pretend that there's zero potential for us to be beaten by Burnley on Saturday. I should also acknowledge that Manchester Utd fans et al may well want to mock how excited Spurs fans are about what is essentially their bread and butter, but that makes it no less a fantastic level of success to have honestly attained, and that's to be celebrated by all.

Spurs fans, we've put up with a lot, but the light is shining now.

What a night, what a squad, what a season, what a ride! And it's the thrill of that ride that makes being a Spurs fan such a deeply authentic, visceral and unique thing.

Come On You Spurs!



**wipes tears**

Dear Tottenham Hotspur...

Um, about tonight...

Who will win?

So we face this crucial point in our history; everyone's talking about who'll win - or maybe it'll be a draw, and the outcome will have to be decided after the event. The die hards are already wearing their colours, while the neutrals and the bookies are having to make gentle and speculative manoeuvres as they work out who to get behind. It'll be a full house with all the seats taken, one way or another. There are no longer any 'safe-hands' in this contest, everyone is just as vulnerable as anyone else now, and all the while the tension is becoming too much for some, and others are simply unable to cope with the wait any longer.

However, the more i try and prepare myself for the moments that will decide all our fates, the more people seem to be saying to me 'Andy, quit wittering on about Spurs v City and the Champion's League place, don't you know there's a general election on this week!'

Is Danny Rose's goal fur real!?

Stand up if you hate Arsenal...

The second clip on this post features some very strong language and i would therefore advise those of a nervous disposition to wait for the next post and not participate in this one.

Last night was an epic and perfect night for Tottenham Hotspur, getting back into the race for 4th in the premiership by beating the gooner monkeys and ruining their title hopes in the process.

1999 was the last time Spurs beat the filth in the league...



This has been a long time coming and oh boy was it sweet...

loves.

Bit late. Point still stands.

Despite Bill Hicks' observations that "people in marketing are Satan's little helpers, ruining all things 'good', filling the world with bile and garbage, devoid of rationalisation for what they do, and for whom the only means of salvation open to them is the taking of their own lives", ...some adverts are pretty enjoyable.

Here's an advert for Puma using Spurs fans to draw parallels between passion for football and romantic passion. It also features a reasonable amount of beer too. Look out for the 'Westlife-key-change-step-forward' moment.

Kelly, this is for you x



Disclaimer: The title of this post, 'loves', is in no way a reference to Savage Garden or their music. The inclusion of their music in this post was unavoidable for the sake of the rest of its content and is only to be viewed in one of two ways a)An exercise in attempting to redeem the music of said group by using liberal doses of irony, humour and toothlessness, or b)A demonstration of the only thing said group is good for, i.e. football terrace based abuses.
Management apologises for any upset or confusion caused.

9-1

Glory, glory Tottenham Hotspur!
Oh when the Spurs - Go marching in - Oh when the Spurs go marching in...



I've just had it drawn to my attention that i'm older than all the players in the Spurs squad - except Cudicini. But he's a goalkeeper who spends his whole time on the bench, notwithstanding his serious motorcycle injuries he's currently recovering from. I think my goose is cooked.

Journey To The Land Of Lost Blogs.

I haven't blogged since April, even that was just part of a catch up series prior to which i'd not blogged since who knows when. Sufficient people (3) have expressed, with mixed degrees of sincerity, that it was missed. And so, keyboard in hand (and fedora on head) i hack my way through the dense undergrowth of logins and forgotten passcodes in search of a rumoured former commentary on 'civilisation'.

I now aim to revive that which once was common place here; namely bewilderment, self-aggrandisement and definitively correct opinion. What follows here are portions of the past 5 months in bulletpoint format - in no particular order.

> I did a 6 week church placement at Harehills Lane Baptist Church in Leeds. I was very warmly welcomed and it was good, and a privilidge, to briefly see and be invloved with a different picture of church life.

> Kelly had a spot on the 4th plinth in Trafalgar Square.

> Glastonbury 2009 - Blur, Kasabian,(absolute stand-out acts) Fleet Foxes, Dizzee Rascal, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Crosby Stills and Nash, The Specials, Roots Manuva, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Dan Le Sac V Scroobius Pip, Bloc Party, (Tom Jones, Jason Mraz, Ting Tings - these acts were embarrassing) Beardyman, Mark Thomas (comedian / political activist / author), Speech DeBelle, Emmy The Great, Khaled, N.E.R.D, Spinal Tap and Bruce Springsteen (of whom it was said by many - given his energy, stamina and charisma - how good he must be in bed. I agree with this to a point, but there was also enough in his performance to suggest he'd spend the whole time checking himself out in the mirror).

> Without wishing to capitalise on the lives of others too much, i'm beginning to grasp what heroine addiction, alcohol abuse, the benefit system, and emotional and mental difficulties really look like. It leaves me angry, spinning and weeping - all of which i seek to do before God, but, if anything, this only enhances these responses.

> I found out that lots of the stuff i really struggle with about the institutionalisation of the mission of Christ, as found in the church, puts me in a camp that has a name. It's called Christi-anarchy. I like it! It's untamed, unbound, chaotic, desperatley dynamic, doesn't care which banners it flys under or disowns, but is ultimately free to seek to be Godly and good.

> I've entered my fourth and final year at college. Over the course of this year the plan is that i will be 'settled' with the church community who will take me on in a proper sense, rather than in a student placement sense. (This is one of the reasons for kick-starting the blog again, because if they're worth their salt they'll google me, find this and this might be enough to give them an accurate picture of me and scare them off. Let's see if it works).

> Dan and Bex got married at the end of August! I grew up with Dan and had the enormous privilidge of presiding over the ceremony. This event also afforded me the opportunity to spend 2 weeks back in Pontyclun (the longest time spent there since leaving home) where i got to hang out with old cronies and speak to loads of people not seen in an age. The whole thing was absolute magic. Congrats Dan and Bec!

> One of the things blogging does is it offers me help in tracing single threads of thought from the mess of my mind. One of the things going round and round are questions about how genetically bound we are, how much choice we ever really have and what amount of potential for change there actually is in people. Some of this stuff is neatly raised in this video which is more squarely aimed at another issue regularly raised here.

> Kelly and i have started getting our weekly fresh fruit and veg from The Hungry Snail. If you're in or around the Wakefield area, i strongly recommend it and would encourage you to consider buying from them.

> My knee is better, i'm now back playing football (currently 3 times a week - no less). I cannot tell you how good it feels, despite how creaky some of my joints have become over this last year. Time to roll out the cod liver oil?

> Tottenham Hotspur are doing reasonably well, better than this time last year anyway. Really need Modric back and fit, but for now a top 3 place is making my smile real broad.

> I turned 30 years old. That's left it's mark i assure you.

> I tried swine flu, it ain't no thang, but the fever makes you sweat like a...

> TV wise, i watched Dexter season 2, Flight of the Conchords season 1 and Northern Exposure season 1. Getting into Flash Forward, but no matter what i try, i just can't fill The Wire shaped hole in me.

> We've gone from Credit Crunch(tm) to "banking crisis" to full blown recession. And still i seem to be left with the sense that political parties are looking to score points for the looming general election rather than plan a proper response.

> Michael Jackson's death remained 'breaking news' for longer than the collapse of the twin towers according to comedian, writer, broadcaster and Guardian colomnist Charlie Brooker.

> Natural disasters in South East Asia are being given lessened air time because party conferences happen to be going on at the same time.

For now though it's good to be back, i didn't have to use my whip once and my fear of snakes was allowed to lie dormant. Hopefully i'll be back soon. Don't be a stranger.

Knee news is good news

I'd recommend tearing knee ligaments to anyone, it's fantastic. You get to do all sorts of things you otherwise wouldn't.
Ok, so there are down sides, not least the sheer number of medics who queue up to take it in turns sitting on your foot and seeing how far they can pull your lower leg away from the rest of your body. Other than that and the pain, the immobility and the inconvenience, it's pretty good.

For example, MRI scans are brilliant. Alright, so you wait 8 weeks for an appointment and then they give you 12 hours notice for one, but once you get there - oh boy! The machine has the all around hum of a tank rolling by, interspersed with very loud bangs and occasional spurts of what sound like machine gun fire. It's quite something. Because of all this noise they give you headphones. These headphones play music(ish), except this doesn't block out the noise at all really. My experience was having to lie still for 20min, laughing out loud at the surreality of being played Phil Collins' Take A Look At Me Now, Lionel Richie's All Night Long and Sexual Healing, and Diana Ross' Chain Reaction - all in what sounded like the middle of a war zone. Where else could one participate in such a this as this?

Another top note of the whole ordeal was this morning. I'm at the stage now where i took part in my first 'leg class' that the physiotherapy dept run. It was basically an hour long class of a couple of circuits of leg based exercises. It's for those approaching full recovery. The brilliant bit was at the end of the class we had a game of uni-hoc; you know, the hockey for kids, with the big plastic sticks. I played this with 5 other adults of varying ability who i'd never met before, all of whom have very serious jobs i'm sure, and all of whom completely disregarded themselves in order to join in the fun. Where else could one find an experience like this?

Torn ligaments; they're the new black.

On a lighter note...

Well, October has been quite a month for several reasons i shan't go into here. Suffice to say this post is in relation to a few things which have served as distractions.

Tottenham - What the...?
Bottom of the table? Ramos, unable to identify his player's abilities or inabilities, proceeds in picking teams, week-in-week-out, which have no semblance of rhyme or reason. Comolli smugly sat, fantasising about being a premiership manager. Levy desperately trying to work out how to save his own skin.

Cue 'Arry Redknapp - TA-DA! Comolli, Ramos and coaching staff sacked, Pavlychenko scores, Spurs get first win of the season and then, after being 3-1 down, draw 4-4 with the gooners - away!

What on Earth next? Watch this space.

TV - Police procedurals.
Dexter is brilliant. Like Quincy... only Quincy's a psychopath. Serial killers have never been portrayed so favourably. Balances really well its dark subject matter with quirky humour. Unlike...

The Wire, which is just gritty. And i don't mean gritty like a eating a sandwich on the beach, i mean gritty like eating rocks on a scree slope. Its realism and moral complexity even gets two pages worth of mention and theological reflection in John D. Caputo's 'What would Jesus Deconstruct?'.

Quantum of Solace - Moore is less.
Craig is still brilliant, the action is still amped, it's more stylistic then any Bond before it, the plot is credible while still being Bondian, so why is it unsatisfying?
The action is too amped. It looks like it's been edited by a whole class of kids whose Ritalin has been cruelly exchanged for candyfloss. It is riding purely on the back of the emotional investment in Casino Royale, which negates any reason for having any of its own.
And, where Royale stripped lots of Bond lores back but still remained very 'Bond', this seems to have stripped more back (though what, i'm not sure), but it's at its expense. No 'Bond, James Bond', no Q or Moneypenny, no theme (until the credits), no Martini, No bacarat (or hold 'em), and no shooting down the gun barrel (until the credits).
Still worth a look, but there's something, erm, empty, about it. One positive comment it does make is to show how pseudo-environmentalism has become a tool for the powerful. But even this this is a little hard to swallow given the glut of sponsorship from C*ke, S*ny, B*rcl*ys, F*rd and Om*ga et al.

nee knee in A n' E.

I had a knee once. It was a good knee - as opposed to my bad knee which seemed to creak and click a bit and was occasionally uncomfortable. No, my good knee was the best, good and strong, never complained about anything. It was the kind of knee i could always rely my weight upon, i would often do this as i swung the foot beneath my bad knee at a ball.

Isn't it funny how Saturdays can change things. Here was i, doing my thing, relying on my best knee, when a large weight, i assume a body of one which desired said ball, came in crashing to my good knee from the side. It did twist and it did give, though not in a way which was ought nor familiar.

I didn't know i even had a medial collateral ligament. That fact has changed. And folk are caught exactly between staring and looking away as i pass in a splint with a limp and an old man's stick, the stick of my late grandfather-in-law from whence he was dealt a similar tackle. Chief starers thus far are young, fit men whose own mortality is met in my limp. I'm ignored by Big Issue sellers and a three legged cat this morning saw fit to gawp quizzically at my peculiar immaneuverability.

Ha! I'm back!

Right, first things first, Spurs are league cup champions! Let's have a little look shall we. This is the best video i've found so far. What an incredible seat this guy had. Two moments to look out for
1. The reception given to Avram Grant
2. Someone claiming they've touched God.

It's not the winning...

Bloody Tottenham! This Saturday gone has not been a great one for me, WBCFC have played their first game of the season and we lost 3-2. That is bearable - no, bearable is the wrong word, familiar is what it is. (The only positive i can take from the game is that my goal tally is now three goals from the last two games, that's not bad.) From there i went to find somewhere showing the spurs V gooner *expletive, deleted* game, it wasn't being shown on sky, possibly just aswell since all Tottenham did was toss away a 1-0 lead to lose 3-1 - at home no less! This news was then closely followed by Wales getting spanked, and i don't mean one of those pleasant spankings, by the austrailians in the Rugby. It's been a while since three of my teams have all been beaten in the matter of a couple of hours, and i'm still smarting from it - again, not in a pleasant way.