The Song of the Soul. Pt.7

Ok, here's where it gets even more personal for me. I don't want to negate anything i've already said, but if the education i'm currently undergoing is teaching me anything, it's to critique ideas, theologies and such according to their context. That includes oneself, ie. what might lie behind why i think this way?

I've already admitted to being completely unmusical in practise, but there is also something that sits alongside that (though i'm not sure which is the horse and which is the cart), it's that i'm contemplative in nature. This means that when it comes to times of worship it works much better for me to be sat quietly thinking about God and life an' that. If there's music playing however, which there always is because it seems that that's the only way we know how to worship God, it ties me in knots immediately.

As soon as the band (or organist, or pianist etc) strike up i'm all over the place. Do i stand and sing with everyone else (even though standing is uncomfortable and the mere consideration of singing shifts my focus entirely from God and places it firmly on myself)? What about the fact that attempting to engage with the music in any way (for the most part) leads me not to the feet of Christ, but rather to a place where i wrestle with it? I find myself fighting to work out what i agree with or don't, plus all the things discussed in pt.5 racing through my mind, all serving to distract me from God's greatness.

Alternatively I could attempt what would be most natural to me, i could sit and be still before God. This however brings with it a [sometimes justified] paranoia. People looking down at me, wondering if i've lost my faith or if there's just something desperately wrong with me. "I noticed you weren't singing, are you ok?". Yes i'm fine, do you want me to actually engage with God, or do you want me to make it look like you think it should?

Anyway, long story short, can we please either use other resources in worship more, or use music better? It's killing me.